Dispatch from touching grass.
Some rambling reflections after six months away from social media.
Dear reader,
It has been a long while since I last wrote to you. I apologize for my lack of communication, but I took the weird internet adage, “go touch some grass” quite literally. My feet have been in lots of grass and I have been enjoying my busy & full life away from this space and away from most of the internet. I’ve watched my kids run, play, surf, bike, and ski. I’ve read a LOT of really good books. I celebrated 17 years of marriage with my wonderful husband. I saw Taylor Swift with my daughter. I learned the simple, yet delightful pleasure of finding a really great drugstore self-tanner.
It’s true, I had grand plans of writing my way through my social media exodus. But, I’ve always found that I have more worthwhile things to say publicly only after I’ve lived it first, and I’m happy to report I’ve actually followed through on those plans. I’ve written so much, I just haven’t shared what I’ve written publicly. Untangling the web of social media from my life was deeper work than I thought, and I’m finally in a head space where I can begin to share some of those things with you.
Though the complexities remain, over six months have passed since I quit all social media and I have to say, I may never, ever go back.
My attention is better.
I’m approximately 6824% less angry and irritated.
My sleep is better.
I’m more present with the people around me.
It’s easier to notice and pay attention to the movement of God.
I’ve reconnected with the things I enjoy the most.
I’m better at my job.
I’m learning new skills & discovering new passions.
I’ve become more deeply connected to my community.
Please don’t misunderstand, even though all of those things are true, life still moves at a clip. It’s not like all of a sudden everything in my life is SO peaceful and I live a quiet, movie-esque life in the Idaho mountain countryside simply because I quit Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. My life is perpetual chaos, but the margin I sacrificed to social media has been reclaimed by books, walks, conversations, date nights, new hobbies, and more.
The external chaos of my life is a lot easier to handle because I’m internally more quiet since quitting social media.
It feels weird to have so many words for the role of socials in my life. How can something so innocuous at first glance create so much trouble? How have these technologies grown to have such outsized influence? The truth is, six months ago, I would have taken the picture below for the sole purpose of sharing it on Instagram. As I was framing the photo, I would have already been thinking of a clever caption in my head, wondering how I could word it to get more engagement, or how people would envy my wonderful evening. Six months ago, I would have taken this picture simply to let others consume it, not because it brought me immense delight to capture the beauty of my surroundings, the handsomeness of my husband, or the feeling of excitement watching him land a gorgeous 14” rainbow. Everything about this photo would have been curated, rather than just enjoyed. I would probably tell my kids, “Give me just one minute, I have to do this thing…” as they looked at me staring at my phone screen.
Once that photo was posted, I would probably spend two days checking the likes, responding to comments, then get caught in the scroll vortex in every spare minute of my day.
I take no pleasure in admitting any of this. I was thoroughly addicted to social media, even though I wasn’t posting much at the time. The temptation to scroll and consume the highlight reel of others’ lives was a potent enough drug for me. However, since I’ve been logged off, I’ve done a lot of reading and taken some deep dives into the creation, role, and impact of social media in our society. Yes, even though I was addicted to it, I’ve come to realize that it’s not really my fault. These social platforms were intentionally designed to get me addicted and make me feel like I had to have it. I lost so many hours to posting, scrolling, or engaging with people who don’t know me. So many hours of my life, just gone. I grieve it.
Multiple things can be true at once, though. These platforms can be intentionally designed to keep people addicted AND they can bring about a lot of good. It’s a powerful tool that can help connect marginalized communities, spur on activism, help small businesses thrive, and find encouragement. I miss a lot of those things.
There are other things I miss about social media — the funny memes, feeling “in the know,” smart commentary that sharpens my perspective. Mostly I miss the connection to the people I only talked to via social platforms. The friends that have wanted to stay in touch have done so and I’m beyond grateful for them. I’ve lost connection with several others and half the blame is my fault, of course. Relationships are two-way streets and “out of sight, out of mind” is a very true dynamic, both for people who remain on socials and folks like myself who walk away. I’m thankful for those who have not let me go out of their sight and I do miss those who I’ve let slip away from mine.
But then I think about the things I’ve gained and I know it’s all okay. I love it when dinner is simmering and one of my kids sits at the counter to strike up a conversation with me, because they see that I’m present and available to them. I love catching a video of one of the kids learning something new and sending it to Erik — the only other person who knows them best and who would genuinely delight in watching the moment during a break in his work. I love being with a friend at the lake and letting the comfortable, peaceful silence hang in the air, instead of fighting the impulse to pick up my phone. I love not having anything else to look at except my surroundings, or maybe a good book. I love capturing a photo simply because it would look great in a frame in our home and it’s a moment I want all of us to remember.
I love caring a lot less about what others think of me. Some of that may be quitting social media, some of it may be me, leaning hard into my 40s.
Much like my relationship with alcohol (I’m 3 years, 7 months sober now), I didn’t realize how much my attachment to social media was disordered until I quit. It’s like a Monet, you know? The full picture comes into view when you step back away from it. Your eyes and mind have a chance to catch up and adjust and you can see things for what they really are. Before I quit social media, I knew something was off, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Turns out, it was a lot of things. I couldn’t focus. I had almost stopped reading books altogether. I couldn’t sit and watch a whole movie, or sit with a friend for a whole conversation without looking at my phone. My kids rolled their eyes when I said, “Just one second, love…” I lacked clarity. Motivation was hard to come by. I didn’t sleep great and I always went to bed too late. I didn’t feel like a great friend. I forgot what it meant to try new things and discover new passions. I wasted so much time.
I can’t get back what I lost for that season, but I’m happy it’s all been gifted back to me now. Life out here in the grass is pretty great and I don’t regret my decision one bit. It may even be one of my better life choices.
I’ve had over six months to process thus far and I have so much more to say. More soon, dear reader. I promise.
Yours,
N
(A) This is great;
(B) These photos make me jealous;
(C) There is no percentage over 100.
I always love seeing your posts pop up in my inbox. I've been taking baby steps in this direction, mostly forward, a few back, and reading this is a good encouragement for me. Thanks, Nish.